Science: Chromatography
I sat on my porch, smoking my fancy pipe, draped over a dickens novel. I looked around the room noting my trench coat hanging on the rack and my pot of tea sitting in front of me. What a wonderful man I am I thought to myself, too clever for all of those foolish criminals. Slowly my vision was impacted with waves in the air and a white mist covered my site as I drifted into a flashback.
earlier that day
“Shmitty, we have your next case!” exclaimed Holmes, “Sherlock will bring you up to speed when you arrive at the scene. Your destination is The Buttery Money Bank, the most reliable bank out there!”
I grabbed my briefcase and was on the road in two seconds flat. Precisely 43 seconds later I approached the crime scene. Inside the bank stood six mysterious persons and a hysterical bank teller.
“Good day Shmitty!” Sherlock approached me in his warm british accent, “We have quite a case. There has been an attempted robbery! The criminal handed the bank teller a mysterious note implying thievery”, he handed me the note.
Pardon the inconvenience
please deposit the cash in the bag
S.W.A.K.
The Robber
“Well Sherlock, we better get started with the interviews”.
*** The Bank Teller ***
“Ma’am,please try and tell me what just happened” I asked her.
“I-I-I w-w-was and and and he he was all a-a-and th-then I-” she continued to break out into sobs.
“Ma’am please! Your cooperation is vital! Pull yourself together!” I felt this was a good time to slap her like your supposed to do with people in shock, but I had a slight inclination that that would be a bad idea.
“AHHHHH I-I C-C-C-C-AN’T!”, and then she fainted.
“So this is how it’s gonna be…”
*** I.C. Yootoo ***
I waited at the interview table for the first suspect. A suspicious looking character approached the table pierced and mow hawked, quite peculiar.
“Your name sir?” I asked the shady character.
“Dowg Ima rockstar yo for realz. Everbody knows my name. I.C. Yootoo!”
“I never said I saw you sir, I’m asking your name please.”
“Homeskillet I.C. Yootoo, das it!”
“Is this some sort of game for you?”
“Whatchoo talkin bout fool? I.C. Yootoo, das da name, and yalls fo show wearin it out!”
“Oh so your name is I see you too?” that had officially become the worst interpretation of who’s on first I’d ever heard.
“Yea, yea man”
“Alright well, I’ll just call you…I see…Icey, Eisen? Yes that works. Okay Eisen, did you or did you not try to Rob The Buttery Money Bank?”
“Nah man that ain’t me.”
“Well I have to admit your a bit suspicious. How am I to believe other wise?”
“Dude, I’m justa intenational sensation! I came here to set up a high interest funding account for all the dough I be rollin in, man. I gotta knitting project waitin on me at home yo, so if you could speed dis process up yalls I’d be much obliged!”
Though I had never met someone so odious as this man, it was hard to believe he could think up such a ploy. Besides, what would he need the money for?
“Alright, we’ll just need to put your bag in evidence and your free to go” I said reluctantly.
“Ah thanks homey” he fist bumped my shoulder and handed over his stuff. This was going to be a long day.
Three hours later
I thought I was at a loss. I had interviewed all six suspects with no confessionl. There was Mavis Salinger, the computer repairer, who sadly looked twice her age. Joyce Ann Perrin, a sweet lady and stay at home mom. Vinnie Trally, a young boy that had been running errands. Reggie Chartworth III, the delusional spy who seemed too paranoid for his own good. And there was Rocky Charger, a delivery man coming to cash his check. Nothing was adding up. Luckily I am a genius and was finally inspired by a series of notes we had found carried by each suspect.
“Sherlock I know just what we’ll do. Thanks to my expertise, we shall use the science of chromatography to help unveil this criminal!”
We alined all of the notes we had received, including the robbers, and dipped them into an isopropyl alcohol solution. Each note was written with a different type of pen, and we were able to establish who was guilty of the crime with the pattern of the running ink.
I burst through the door dramatically with a slip of paper in my hand which held the results of the experiment.
“I know who is responsible for this travesty! After several hours of interviewing and experimenting, I have discovered what has occurred. From the beginning I had eliminated Eisen as a suspect, and I was right. He couldn’t of thought up such a crime. Then I looked at Mavis and Vinnie, also two unlikely candidates, who were proven innocent as well. That left me with Joyce, Rocky, and Reggie. If Eisen was the most odious man alive then Rocky takes home the prize of most oblivious. So that only left Joyce and Reggie…”
“It was Joyce! I know these sort of things! She’s the kind of woman that watches you in your sleep and reads your mind to find out how to trick you, she’s been plotting the whole time!” Shouted Reggie.
“Don’t be ridiculous! Clearly it was Reggie. He’s a spy, and he’s paranoid, and he’s desperate. I have children and a loving husband. I will not stand to be accused!” Responded Joyce.
A rumble of unanimous agreement went through the air.
“Oh but wait,” I added in deviously, “did I forget to mention that there were two perps?”
This time a gasp went through my audience.
“Yes, yes, two perps! It all made sense. Joyce was desperate for cash since she doesn’t work, and Reggie isn’t really a spy. He’s a psychiatric patient that escaped and thinks he’s on a mission right now! Joyce just used him to assist her. Reggie probably doesn’t even know where he is!” I exclaimed.
“Ah! The storm troopers! They’ve found me! We’re all doomed! It’s 2012!” He judo rolled towards the door and took off in a sprint while Joyce glared at me viciously.
They were both later taken into custody and sentenced to time in prison and parol.
“I would have gotten away with it if it weren’t for you Shmitty! You clever and handsome deviant!” Shouted Joyce as she was being escorted into the police car.
And that is exactly what happened on that fine day at The Buttery Money Bank.
